[Update 24 | Private pain]

I miss her.

I'm going to be sixteen years old. I'm getting my first job. I'm starting my new life for real this time. Not some half way life where everything hurts and everyone is broken. Now we're picking ourselves up.

I'm going to tell Aydin I love him and want him. I'm going to tell him it's him and me forever.

I wish i could tell her too. I want to tell her it's not too late, even though it is. I want to tell her to leave him and be with us, but I already told her that and she woudln't come.

Is it better she doesn't know what we've been through and what we did to survive out here? By rights I should rub it in her face because this never would have happened if she'd left him. If she'd gotten better. if she'd stopped her drinking.

But she didn't stop. She made her choice. I can't call her. But I want to.

I want my mom.

There's so much pressure on me now to get this job right. If I fuck it up, that's it for us. There's no going back.

I want my mom.