fluctuationfeels

So, I'm getting a job. It's no big deal. I was thinking of getting one the tail end of last year, but then August happened and I sort of went backwards.

I'm ready to try again now, so I'm gonna do this thing where I call people up and ask if they have time for a survey. If they do, I ask them a bunch of questions like "Have you ever heard of this company before?" and "Where did you hear about them?" and stuff. It's something I can do from home and it's not gonna put any pressure on my body or my head.

Aydin's got that job in the daycare anyways, so, I have to do something. This way I can contribute around here and maybe get used to talking to people again. I'm doing better.

Maybe we can even get married soon. I'd really like that.

So, it's probably going to be like this every year. That's what Charlie says. It might get easier with time, but it's not going to go away. The PTSD and flashbacks are something my mind and body are gonna remember systematically, whether I want them to or not.

It's embarrassing being like this. Jumping at sounds and things that aren't there, hearing voices, feeling pains that aren't happening. No amount of willpower can fix my mind. No matter how much I read up on it, or how much meditation I do, or how much therapy I get, it's not going anywhere. I can't beat it.

My fucked up monkey brain wants to re-live the trauma over and over and try to make some sense out of it when there isn't any sense to be made. I'm so tired of being afraid all the time.

This isn't how I'm supposed to be.

AWOL for August.

Found a documentary called "Prostitution, what's the harm?" Set in the UK, but let's see what the overarching theme and opinion is.

So far it's covering a lot of interesting questions. I'm getting the opinion that the presenter being female makes for a hard hitting sympathetic view towards the sex workers themselves.

It's not groundbreaking, but I think it's always good to see people interviewing not just sex workers, but the people who are paying for and normalizing it.

I want to try and leave the house a little more. If anyone wants to take me out, that'd be great. Aydin's working full time now, so it's kinda lonely in the house with just me and Matt.

I know you guys have all put in a lot of time already.

So here I am, with a new online journal. It's pretty private for now, so I can update here without hassle.

It's hard looking back at what happened on my Birthday. It's like another person, and I'm some new person updating from the hospital. I only have a quiet understanding of where we are going from here, but I think it's going to be okay.

I'm scared a lot, but I get out of hospital soon. We're definitely going to have Christmas in our new home.

I'm grateful to everyone who has been there for me over the past few months. Momma, Brent, Stacy, C, Reese, Officer Slater and of course, my Aydin. I don't know what I can do to repay you guys, but I'm going to work on it just as soon as I can. This is the last time I'll say it, because I know you all don't want to hear it anymore, but I'm sorry for the trauma my incident caused to everyone around me.

I'm walking a lot better already, soon I'll be down to one walking stick instead of two. My depth perception is off though and it's embarrassing how much I knock into things. I need time to adjust.

Thinking about everything that's happened as I lay here gives me a cold feeling. I don't want to be alone. I've never felt older and younger before and I'm still mixed up with a lot of things.

There's hope though. More than there ever was before for a brighter future. We can only move forward.

There was barely any room to move at his Momma’s dresser. Leo was sure her room was even more of a mess than his, what with the clothes piled around and the make up a big old unorganized stack of bottles and tubes on the surface of her cabinet.

“You ain’t gonna wear that are you?” The boy asked with a frown. “In those shoes?"

Okay guys. Brent is being kind enough to take us all to Olive Garden on Friday Night for my Birthday. If you don't know this by now then you're an idiot, since I've been banging on about it for weeks.

Anyway, there's an online menu here. Take a gander and see what you want. You know I'm gonna eat the hell out of that Grilled Chicken Parmigiana. ♥

We're gonna meet at the restaurant at 6pm. That's me, Aydin, A.P, Reese, Stacy, Momma and Brent. See you guys then!

I miss her.

I'm going to be sixteen years old. I'm getting my first job. I'm starting my new life for real this time. Not some half way life where everything hurts and everyone is broken. Now we're picking ourselves up.

I'm going to tell Aydin I love him and want him. I'm going to tell him it's him and me forever.

I wish i could tell her too. I want to tell her it's not too late, even though it is. I want to tell her to leave him and be with us, but I already told her that and she woudln't come.

Is it better she doesn't know what we've been through and what we did to survive out here? By rights I should rub it in her face because this never would have happened if she'd left him. If she'd gotten better. if she'd stopped her drinking.

But she didn't stop. She made her choice. I can't call her. But I want to.

I want my mom.

There's so much pressure on me now to get this job right. If I fuck it up, that's it for us. There's no going back.

I want my mom.

So I already text most of you, but I'm updating too because I'm psyched.

I GOT A JOB! It starts three days after my birthday. A 9 - 5 gig at K-mart six days a week.

This is it.

I have a fucking JOB!

So, obviously we didn't leave. Thanks to the NYPD, the client who was harassing me has been arrested. There's no reason for us to leave now, we're safe.

I'm relieved, but scared as hell that I was so close to a monster. They say he murdered two boys. I could have died. (Don't be jealous, Reese.)

So we're back in the apartment. Thanks for having us for the last 24 hours, A.P.

Tomorrow is Mr Doctor's funeral. I'm hate to go looking like this, but I'm doing it. Hopefully no one is gonna pay any attention to me. Once it's done, it's done.

Momma, thanks for the roof. It was well needed.

Aydin and I are leaving. If you're reading this, it's over. We're not staying here for you to fuck with us again.

Douglas is gone. You can say "I told you so" if you have to, but not tonight.

Tonight is for him.

So, what? You need like eighty forms of ID and a blood test in order to just visit a guy?

Total utter bullshit.

So many months of time wasters and waiting around in the cold behind us. This week is stupid busy. Seems like everyone is looking for some time.

Not complaining about the income. But it's been taxing. Think me and Aydin deserve a day off soon. I need to get to the hospital and visit Mr Doctor the first chance I get.

Three job interviews this week.

The house feels cold without the body heat of an extra person in it. The quiet is the same brand, but a different flavor.

I'm relieved in a way that things are back to normal, though I can't say I'm not afraid for my friend's sake. I am.

Anyway, I guess I'm saying good luck, Resse. (If your partner hurts you again he'll need more than a shotgun to stop me.)

July is gonna be a ghost month.

I literally can't change anything. I can't save anyone. I can't tell him. I can't handle any of it. I know what I'm waiting for but I might burn out before I get there.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

What's worse? A mean sumbitch who knows how to be nice once in a while, or a nice guy who's set on being mean as much as he can?

Both of these guys are jerks in my opinion. They're both liars.

So tired.

I don't believe in God, but if I did I'd hate it.

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Recent Entries

[Update F: F is for FONE]

[Update E: Back in time for Christmas, again]

[Update D: Happy anniversary]

[Update C: What's the harm]

[Update B: Getting out there]

[Update A: New journal]

[ Log - Date night | Young Leo and Missy]

[Update 25 | Foood glorious food ]

[Update 24 | Private pain]

[Update 23 | Level 16]

[Update 22 | Relief isn't sweet]

[Update 21 | Get out ]

[Update 20 | Uncomfortably Numb]

[ Update 019 | Hospital crap]

[ Update 018 | What is with this week? ]

[ Update 017 | Since you've been gone ]

[ Update 16 | Private post ]

[ Update 015 | Raaaaar. I'm a muthafuckin monstah ]

[ Update 014 | Quiet ]

[ Update 013 | Fuck you ]

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April 2022

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