fluctuationfeels

So, it's probably going to be like this every year. That's what Charlie says. It might get easier with time, but it's not going to go away. The PTSD and flashbacks are something my mind and body are gonna remember systematically, whether I want them to or not.

It's embarrassing being like this. Jumping at sounds and things that aren't there, hearing voices, feeling pains that aren't happening. No amount of willpower can fix my mind. No matter how much I read up on it, or how much meditation I do, or how much therapy I get, it's not going anywhere. I can't beat it.

My fucked up monkey brain wants to re-live the trauma over and over and try to make some sense out of it when there isn't any sense to be made. I'm so tired of being afraid all the time.

This isn't how I'm supposed to be.