[ Log - Coping mechanisums | Leo and Nix ]

[fluctuationfeels]

Leo could hardly walk. He felt slow and like he was burning from his asshole right up into his stomach. God, he’d had pain before but this was all new kinds of punishment. He knew it’d pass, but right now that didn’t comfort him. Right now it was unbearable.

Despite that he somehow made it to the door and gave a light knock. He wouldn't usually choose Reese as he go to friend in times of trouble, but he was far enough from home that Aydin wouldn't know what had happened.

It figured that Shark Tooth lived in a trailer. All the worst kind of people did. The environment would have made him sick with it's junkyard charm if he hadn't been so distracted. He remembered Nix’ saying there was a wolf inside. He’d never seen it, but didn’t put it past the kids “boyfriend” to have one, so he kept his knock quiet.

Then he waited, leaning against the side of the trailer and breathing deep. He couldn’t go home yet and let Aydin see him like this. He just hoped to fuck Aodhan wasn’t home and 'Nix was in a sympathetic mood.

Comments

[pb_n_flame]

It didn't matter how quiet the knocking was, when Aodhan wasn't around Sköll was pretty much loud-ass king of the walk. He growled and snarled at the door, leaving Nix unable to ignore the knocking, rolling his eyes and dragging himself to the door.

"Will you shut up? Zamknij się!" It took him a moment to wrestle a grip on the wolfdog that didn't mean he was going to get bit, and longer still to drag the hundred-and-seventy pounds of aggression into a bedroom and shut the door on it. "Stupid ass..."

After all that, whoever was at the door knew someone was home. So Nix returned to the door, opening it. Leo wasn't who he expected to be there, and he quirked an eyebrow at him. He looked upset. "Yeah?"

[fluctuationfeels]

He hoped he didn't look as bad as he felt. For some reason he didn't want to seem like a coward in front of Nix who always looked desensitized to life's worst moments. Even so, his breath was quick and his limbs were shaking. He couldn't keep it together for long.

"I- Is he here?" He asked, eyes wide and peering past his friend into the interior of the home. He didn't see anyone.

[pb_n_flame]

"No, he's out."

He did look bad. Maybe not necessarily to others, but Nix knew that feeling well. He knew it enough to see it in others despite repressing it himself. This was one of the first times he was in a situation to see it and do something though, and he wasn't entirely sure what he was going to do.

Except probably be a thousand times better than other fuckers who had ignored him.

"Did they not use lube?"

[fluctuationfeels]

Cutting straight to it, huh? That was Reese all over. Leo felt his stomach lurch at the memory of what he;d just been through. The forty dollars in his back pocket was practically burning shame into his skin through his jeans.

He shook his head, unable to say anything for a moment while he collected himself and swallowed back his want to cry.

"Can I come in a sec? Just... Just for a minute?"

[pb_n_flame]

Nix shrugged, it wasn't really his home to invite people into or not. "Sure, why not?" It wasn't like Aodhan was going to say anything about it if he came home. He was pretty scared of Leo - it was funny, in a way.

He stepped back to let Leo in. "You should go to bathroom. Its the door next to the kitchen."

[fluctuationfeels]

"Yeah. Thanks." Leo nodded, feeling his way along the wall to make sure he didn't fall over. Every step was stabbing pain he didn't know how to handle.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

He found the bathroom, giving Nix a nod before disappearing inside and pulling the door closed. It didn't lock.

He pulled his pants down, sitting on the seat and curling forward. Nothing was coming out, but it felt hot and wet down there. When he wiped, there was more blood than he was used to seeing.

He dropped the red soaked toilet roll into the water and sobbed, continuing to clean himself as he wondered how bad the tearing was. How long could he hide it from Aydin...

[pb_n_flame]

Nix didn't bother looking through the kitchen cabinets for pain killers. He took himself to the utility cupboard and unzipped the vacuum cleaner bag, pulling free a sealed metal tin.

From the array of pills he kept in there he found two aspirins which he palmed before replacing his stash safely. He went into the bedroom, getting a rolled blunt from the same collection in there and pocketing it.

In the kitchen he boiled water and filled a hot water bottle, and then without knocking he opened the bathroom door, moving to the cabinet to get a glass of water. "Take these aspirin."

[fluctuationfeels]

"Christ..." Leo jumped, not used to being invaded quite so easily. He stood, pulling his pants back up all though the seat of them was wet with blood. Fuck... He hadn't even noticed that before.

"Fuck..." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He needed to not be crying right now.

He held out his hand for the aspirin and water, downing the mixture fast and trying not to gag at the taste.

Fuck, what was he going to do? He felt like he was dying, it hurt so damn much.

[pb_n_flame]

"It will bleed for like... three days," Nix told him with the dead air of someone more than used to that. "There'll be blood in your underwear, so just wad paper down there and it'll be fine after that. If you had ruptured anything there would be a lot more blood, and you wouldn't walk. You just tear."

Nix nodded to the roll of toilet paper. "You can use his whole roll, I don't care. You want clean pants?"

[fluctuationfeels]

It all seemed like too much for Leo. He hadn't grown up with this like Reese had. It utterly broke his heart to think of how dead inside his friend was and the reasons behind that deadness. If he had been through that, he would have been dead inside and out. Not just bleak, but gone. He couldn't have survived it. He wasn't sure if he could survive it now, but he had to, for Aydin.

"Y-yeah. Please, if you have any. I'm... So sorry to come here, Nix. I didn't wanna scare Aydin or the dogs... Or A.P or Momma."

[pb_n_flame]

Nix thought Aydin probably could handle it, he had enough sense somewhere in his half-deaf head. He'd realise about the bleeding and think to stop the pain. Still, Leo probably meant emotionally.

Emotions were usually the problem if you had someone get close, as far as Nix understood it.

"I can get you underwear," he said, not finding reason to comment on Leo's apology. He went back out to grab a pair from the clean laundry pile he had worked on earlier in the day. "They're black, so you won't see stains."

[fluctuationfeels]

Leo took them gratefully, still not sure if he was inconveniencing Reese or not. He was so closed off. So unreachable. In a way he envied him, but in the same moment he never wanted to be like that. He never wanted to be so broken that the only fix was to switch off completely.

"Appreciate it." He managed to say, wiping his eyes and trying to calm down. He needed to stop crying. He was being a fucking sissy.

"So, just bunch up the paper? Like this?" He started rolling a wad of white toilet tissue into a thick square. He wondered if Reese had cried the first time this happened to him. He couldn't imagine it.

[pb_n_flame]

"Yeah, make a square like that... and then put that here on the crotch of the pants, and wind some more around it to stop it moving. Like this." Nix pushed the thick padding Leo had made against the underwear in his hand, and then wound some more sheets around the padding and crotch of the underwear before handing it to Leo.

"The pain will get less, but probably won't stop a while. Some people don't lube good, or don't prep as good or ... are just assholes, yeah?" Nix continued while Leo changed pants. "You have to prep yourself before work, and keep loose in bathrooms if you can. Don't rely on them."

[fluctuationfeels]

"R-right..." Leo nodded, all though the thought of it repulsed him. They were the ones who wanted it this way! Why should he have to do their work for them? Why should he have to go through the ritual of doing that to himself. He'd have to do it until it wasn't embarrassing or shameful any more. It would be an every day occurrence like brushing or flossing. He didn't want that. It made him feel sick to think about him or Aydin ever getting to that stage.

It was temporary. This was all only temporary.

"Sorry..." He found himself saying again, trembling as he got changed. That was better. Getting that blood soaked underwear away from him took away a lot of the discomfort. "I'm okay now."

[pb_n_flame]

Nix watched Leo silently a moment. He put on a good enough show to someone who didn't care to notice otherwise maybe, but to people who fed on misery and people who had lived that misery it didn't hold up at all.

"No you're not," he told Leo blankly and pointedly. He balled up the bloody underwear and tossed it into the laundry basket. "You won't be for a while.

"Take this hot water bottle, sit in the living room. It will hurt less if you curl up. Eh, the wolf will make noise when you pass the door, but ignore him. He's an ass."

[fluctuationfeels]

Well that told him. It made him want to start up sobbing again, but he bit it back, nodding.

"You know me. I love animals, even the worst ones." He pushed a smile, taking the hot water bottle from his friend and cuddling it. It felt good. It had been a while since he'd felt anything so warm and comforting that wasn't Aydin or the dogs curled up beside him.

The wolf did indeed make noise as he walked by the room where it was contained. Growing and slamming against the door, Leo couldn't help but jump even though he was expecting it.

"Sit anywhere?" He asked, looking for a place he could sit that wasn't cluttered or dubious. He didn't want to sit anywhere that was obviously shark territory.

[pb_n_flame]

"Can't have wolf as pet, its wild." Nix's comment was mostly muttered to himself as he cleared two pizza boxes off the coffee table and cleared gym clothing off the couch to make a space for Leo.

Passing the still snarling door he kicked it, "Zamknij się, Sköll!" He pointlessly threw back - but at least it made him feel better to yell it. He dumped the boxes in the kitchenette and looked through the fridge, bypassing the beers in there - weak piss - finding some stronger liquor and two clean glasses.

He returned to the living room, sitting near enough on top of Leo - what might be friendliness in some people but to him was just a lack of knowledge of personal space. He was warm against Leo's back anyway as he pulled the blunt from his pocket and lit it.

"This will help you inside."

[fluctuationfeels]

Leo would usually say no to drugs, but... Not today. He took it without hesitation after it was lit, taking a pull and holding it in his lungs. It burnt like a bitch but he knew once the high kicked in that wouldn't matter. That drink was looking good too, it would steady his nerves.

He exhaled and passed the blunt back to Nix for a hit, enjoying the closeness. He liked to be close with his friends just as soon as he felt he could trust them. Right now, he wanted to be close. He wanted to be taken care of.

"S'where I need the most help." Leo muttered, loosing his control over his speech for a moment and letting slip a sliver of that Southern drawl he hid under his tongue.

[pb_n_flame]

"Well, I guess so. If you're new to it."

Nix took the blunt and took his own long deep drag, holding his breath in, barely feeling the burn. He exhaled slowly, lazily making a smoke ring partway through. He handed back the blunt and began to pour the drink into the glasses.

"You just have to remember that just because you're there, doesn't mean you need to be there," he shrugged. "You just go away in your head, let your body do what it needs to."

[fluctuationfeels]

That was how 'Nix did it? He separated his body from his mind?

Leo wondered if he could do that. If he went away from his body while it was going through pain and torment, how did he get back to it again? Would he lose part of himself if he kept on drifting away? Would he see himself and the sickening things he was doing like he was watching a movie?

"Sounds hard. Like... I don't know if I could do it." He commented, relaxing down a little more into his seat. The hot water bottle was so warm and soothing against the sharp cramps and stabbing pains.

"Goddamnit, why is it in my stomach?"

[pb_n_flame]

"Is in your stomach up here," Nix gestured to his ribs, "or here?" He pointed at his belly. "Because the first means you're sick of yourself and nervous, the second is because its all connected. The anus and gut, you know?"

Nix swirled his drink around in its glass, not taking a sip or deep chug, just watching it idly. "If you're still not thinking that what happens there is not connected to who you are as a person, you'll feel upset."

[fluctuationfeels]

Leo listened to him making more sense than most adults had made to him in his life, even with his broken English. 'Nix was the same age as him and yet... He was so much older.

He took a deep breath, smoking a little more of the blunt and letting it's poison make magic on his mind. Getting baked was probably a stupid idea, but he didn't really care right then. He passed it back to Nix and closed his eyes.

"You know far too much about this shit."

[pb_n_flame]

"Well, you get to learn enough about getting fucked when its been happening since you were ten." Nix took a sip of his drink and then drew in a deep hit from the blunt. Letting the smoke and weed mix with the alcohol he held in his mouth until he swallowed and then exhaled.

"You need to learn. You need remember that. You need to remember that there's no shame involved. Its like sneezing, your body will do what it does regardless of how you feel. Getting hard or cumming while being used doesn't mean you enjoyed it. Doesn't mean you need to feel ashamed."

[fluctuationfeels]

Leo didn't say anything for a while, looking away with guilty eyes when Nix mentioned how long this had been happening for him. He already knew that, but it didn't stop him reacting to it when it was said so offhandedly. For Leo, it was only just starting and would end a whole lot quicker.

He was quiet still as he sat thinking about the things Reese was telling him. It was such a relief to hear it explained like that, in a way that clicked with him. Having somebody tell him he didn't need to feel ashamed was hurtfully cathartic.

He wiped his eyes, leaning back and nodding. The drugs were starting to kick in. He was getting heavy, like a warm stone, and hungry like a motherfucker.

"None of this is funny." He decided to mention in the direction of a nearby lamp. "Especially not you, buddy." He then gave Nix a little grin. He was talking to a lamp. That was funny.

[pb_n_flame]

"Okay, you've had enough of this already." Nix kept the blunt to himself, but moved the glass of liquor towards Leo instead. "It won't hurt for much longer, with the pills and such."

[fluctuationfeels]

Leo took the glass with a grateful nod. It had already started to hurt less and he was all kinds of relieved about that.

"Thanks." He sipped the liquor slowly. It was another burn he welcomed. Not like a cigarette burn. Those were terrifying. The thought gave him a momentary upset, but he drank past it.

"This place isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Kinda... Dark."

[pb_n_flame]

"The scrap yard is outside, not in here." Nix took another slow hit on the blunt, needing more of it to affect him than Leo. He liked weed - usually preferred it from a bong or hookah, but in the end it always made him feel relaxed, powerful and kind of sexy.

"I keep it tidy enough for him, huh?" Nix shrugged, blowing another smoke ring before adding somewhat begrudgingly; "And he had nice things. Don't know why, or where he gets the money."

[fluctuationfeels]

"Probably rips it off." Leo commented, allowing himself to take up more space by uncurling from his ball. "That or he's got rich dead parents or something. Or dead rich parents. Or grandparents. He might have those. Or he won the lottery. Or maybe he sells drugs. Where did you get your drugs? Did he sell them to you?"

[pb_n_flame]

"He gives me some," Nix shrugged, as if he was trying to dislodge any attempts of making 'excuses' for his 'boyfriend. "Get the rest from that Chinese woman."

Nix watched Leo relaxing. "You should take more drugs."

[fluctuationfeels]

"Should I?" Leo smirked, looking over at Nix with a lazy smile. "I dunno... It's bad. I mean, I don't want to get into all that. I don't want to get into any of this underside stuff. I want to be like... A Brady or something. You know? Good. Like Aydin."

[pb_n_flame]

"Well, I suppose you Disney types want to live. You don't want to get dragged down into the dirt, you want to shoot for the stars, or something."

Nix shrugged again, taking another drag on the cigar, speaking as he held his breath so his voice was tighter than usual. "Whereas some of us shoot up to see anything nice."

[fluctuationfeels]

"Yeah... That's how you want it. Right?" Leo sighed. "If you wanted it different, I hope you'd tell us. Because... Aydin and me... We'd do whatever we could to help you out. You know? Because we care about you. You got any chocolate?"

[pb_n_flame]

"Strange as it is to you, not everyone wants to live."

Nix put down his drink and got up, moving to the kitchenette. "There are chips, pretzels... maybe marshmallow fluff. That do?" He grabbed them down from the cabinet. "He doesn't do chocolate."

[fluctuationfeels]

"That's how you know he's a jerk." Leo said to the lamp more than to Nix while the other boy was in the kitchenette. "He's supposed to help you want to live, not make you want to die. Yeah! I wanna eat all that stuff."

[pb_n_flame]

"You can know he's a jerk because he's a grade A asshole, that's how," Nix informed Leo knowingly.

He returned to the living area, dropping the chips and pretzels on the couch, as he opened the jar of fluff. "Do you need call Aydin?"

[fluctuationfeels]

"Text him." Leo suddenly remembered, grabbing his phone and opening the screen. "Pfft, look at this idiot" He laughed at his phone background which showed a picture of their Pomeranian, Matt. He then sent Aydin his usual 'Still alive. - Leo' text.

"You know what. I wish you didn't want to die, Nix. It hurts in my chest when you say you do."

[pb_n_flame]

Nix nodded at the picture he was shown, and took time dipping a potato chip into the marshmallow fluff, layering it up high before slowly licking it off.

He wished Leo's admittance meant something to him. That it made him hurt in some way. Instead it just made him feel numb, or even more determined to die in the next second.

Maybe if Mr. Rogers told him that his crippling depression hurt him, he'd feel something.

"Sorry it hurts you," he blandly informed Leo, licking the chip dry and putting it in him mouth. "But that is all I have. No control in my life, I will control my death."

[fluctuationfeels]

"Yeah?" Leo questioned, not really able to feel too heavy about it just then. He would feel raw about it and everything else later when the drugs wore off, but on a mild high the world was humorous, even with Nix in it. He didn't really have inhibitions holding him back from commenting though, so he said what he felt any how.

"Or you could, you know... take control of your life instead. While you're waiting to die."

[pb_n_flame]

"After what I have already seen and been through you think I want more years?" Nix snorted a disdainful sound. "Eating out a crusty asshole would be more pleasant... uh. Probably shouldn't say that eating pretzels." He frowned at the shape of them, before dragging his ass back up to return to the kitchenette.

"Your stomach is better now, hmm? Weed solves so much."

[fluctuationfeels]

"It's way better..." Leo nodded, he hadn't noticed the pain subsiding really, but it had. There was still the uncomfortable feeling of having his underwear stuffed with tissue paper, but as Reese said it would hopefully only last a few days. Weed solved so much. He cared so little about that right now.

"You should make your life better, dude." Leo said offhandedly, closing his eyes. "If you get the chance."

[pb_n_flame]

"Some people are meant to live, some people aren't," Nix told him, equally offhandedly. "Don't worry. You won't be able to work me out even if you aren't high, don't try and do it while high."

[fluctuationfeels]

"I'm not worried." Leo told him, all though he did feel a heavy hurt for some reason. He didn't like the way Reese talked about himself and he didn't like the implication that he didn't understand him. He didn't, but hearing Nix say it was more insulting.

In the other room, the wolf dog started to growl and bark. It had heard something that Leo and Reese had not.

"I'm hot. It's way too hot in here."